Monday, April 14, 2014

Khurch of Kanye

We recently learned that the Kardashians have what is, essentially, their very own church.  While we were mildly surprised to discover this fact, we were even more surprised that Kanye has not taken over this whole operation and named it the Khurch of Kanye.  However, we feel that this is inevitably on the horizon and we at Schenkerian Gang Signs want to be prepared.  So we have culled 10 Kommandments, made up primarily of Ye's deleted tweets.  Now we also know why he deleted them all: so that he could reissue the ten most important as gospel.

Incidentally, if you missed Josh Groban performing Kanye tweets, you should listen to this before reading the Kommandments:

THE TEN KOMMANDMENTS (with kommentary):

1) “I'll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.”

Here Kanye encourages his followers to find a way of finding the 'jokes' in life.  Life is so serious that otherwise we would cry.  It is incumbent upon the followers of Kanye to instead find joking ways of expressing serious ideas.

2) “If you admire somebody, you should go ahead and tell them. People never get the flowers while they can still smell them.”

Here Kanye borrows from another (lesser) prophet of his time and encourages us all to YOLO--in fact, this quote has been misattributed to Drake.  In the Khurch of Kanye, you only get one chance at this life, so you should live it to the fullest by sharing flowers with those closest to you.  That way you will bring joy and happiness to the world, plus everything will smell a little better.

3) "Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I’m looking to have a conference…not until I get the table though."

Followers of Kanye must be precise and meticulous in all details.  After all, is there any point in having a conference without marble conference tables?  Surely that would be a conference in joke form (see Kommandment 1).

4)  "I ordered the salmon medium instead of medium well I didn’t want to ruin the magic."

Is this magic?  No, of course not.  But we should follow Kanye's model and seek the magic in the mundane for lo, even salmon can be magical when prepared medium.

5) "You may be talented, but you’re not Kanye West."

This Kommandment crosses over from the more traditional Judeo-Christian ones, for thou shalt have no other gods before him.

6) "I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle."

Responsibility can be seen as a challenge and a burden.  You should not take on more responsibility than is your due.  For truly, it is the job of the flight attendant to take away the water bottle, and not Kanye (or you).

7)  "I just threw some kazoo on this bitch."

This Kommandment should be understood as a metaphor, of course.  What that metaphor means remains opaque.

8) "Sometimes I get emotional over fonts."

Fonts are not merely decorative.  They inform what we read, how we read, and--in this day of electronic communication--our entire perspective.  Fonts should not be chosen haphazardly and, indeed, the choice of Comic Sans is grounds for ex-communication from the Khurch of Kanye.  Choose your font wisely, for your font is your avatar in written form.


Listen closely to each and every sentence that Kanye imparts.  You cannot predict what he will do or how he will finish his thoughts.

10) "Ever since I was at preschool I had little kids following me around. The teacher just said I was a natural born leader. But I’m always going left until everyone is going left, then I’ll go right again."

You should follow Kanye in all that he does, but keep a close eye out, for he may dodge right when you are expecting him to go left.

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